Frustration!

Okay. I really don’t get it! What the hell is happening to me? I already have a run of bad luck for a few years. Why everything have to end with disappointments and misery? I’m really in dismay. I already make an effort to build my life back. I have done everything possible in this world to get my life back. Please spare my life and let me have a peaceful life. I don’t know how to describe my life and myself anymore. My life is like a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces were scattered all around the gloomy world of mine. One by one is missing from the puzzle. I just stared at the ceiling blankly and feeling empty. Recently, I found myself totally transformed into someone that I don’t really understand at all. It’s not me anymore. Besides, I don’t have that kind of “fire” in me anymore. The “fire” was dead long time ago than I ever thought. All of you question what “fire” am I talking about. What I mean here is the will to do things. Deep thought in it, I already lost the will to study and the eagerness to strive for better results. What all of you can see in me now is just another lazy bug. It just likes a body without its soul.

Lately, I just got to know that I obtained a few below par results for another three subjects. How can I bare with it anymore? People always say if one always works hard, one will get a good result out of those efforts. I wonder when that day will come to me. I also wonder the lady luck will start smiling to me again. I already predicted all my midterm results will end this way. I always given a good start for something and the things followed behind it comes to nothing. Everything falls into pieces. For example, I get good results for my business communication subject and just only for that subject. Other subjects are totally gone. It’s really a jinx! No matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to produce the results that I wanted. I know I’m not a brilliant student. May be I can’t accept myself that I’m not brilliant after all.

Now I really realize that I can’t run away from my past. I thought I already move on with my life but it isn’t. I just stuck at the same place and didn’t make any progress at all. Round and round I go but still ended up at the starting point again. I agreed that I’m really a sore loser and I won’t deny it. I’ll always have the big ‘L’ on my forehead and walked around with it. Until now, I still can’t bounce back from one of the worst letdown in my life. For those who knew me in person about my past, I think all of you guess what I’m talking about. Everything is not right after the Form Five incident. May be all of you think I try to put the blame on others but I do not. The aftermath of the incident was really disastrous and far from my expectations. I thought myself could handle it but I was totally wrong. What a fiasco! Now my life is entirely messed up and I don’t have any idea how to deal with it.

Sorry to all my blog readers because all of you had to bear with all my laments and grumbles. I’m such pathetic and hopeless rubbish! I’m really so fragile.