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Today I’m feeling very down. I don’t wish to talk or smile. I also don’t know why I’m reacting like this. Maybe because of a series of bad events happened yesterday. Yesterday I came back to USM from my hometown. For the past two days in Taiping, I felt very relieved and calm because it was so peaceful at home and of course away from all the workloads at least for two days! Actually it is not away for ALL the workloads but 60% of it because I have two projects to pass up this week. Although I stayed until 4am every night just to complete my projects, I still manage to find time to release my tension. I wanted to have a balanced life. All works no play makes Jack a dull person. At home, I really can be myself and have a peace of mind. I’m really thankful that I have this friend to accompany me go catch a movie and have a tea together. This friend of mine only is in Taiping sometimes. One of the reasons I went back to Taiping is to meet this particular friend. Although this friend usually quiet most of the time and I always the one who come out with a topic until my brain is dead, I do enjoy the company.

After two days in Taiping, I’m quite reluctant to go back to USM. On the way back to USM, I was staring out of the car’s window, thinking the “to-do” list in my mind. Again, I’m having a packed week and I wonder the following week will be as packed as well. Now what a series of bad events happened to me? Yesterday, I offended one of my friends in a meeting. I was quite unaware of her dislikes which consequently made her pissed off. It happened quite suddenly until I was told about what had really happened. I think I had to stick back to my old self-sit back, keep quiet and only react if I have to. I don’t want to make any jokes anymore unless I’m really close to a person to avoid offending anything similar happer again. Peoples say I’m an emotionally intact person. At first, I don’t really believe it but I think I have to agree now. I’m easily affected by people’s feelings and surrounding and quite sensitive with it.

Then, with the post I have now in AIESEC, I felt that I done nothing and helpless to anyone when they are in trouble. Aih! After a meeting, I went out with some friends for supper. Two friends of mine, K and W said to me that they wanted to whack me because of my negative and low-confidence thoughts. They said I never trust any compliments that people might have for me. I treated all this compliments as a sarcastic because I don’t see and feel myself in what they compliment me. I just want to apologize to them because I do promise them that three of us will stay in the board and strive for excellence together, but I failed to do so.

For this semester, I also probably fail one of my papers for mid term. If that happens, it will be the FIRST time I fail in my 21 years of life. I’m a person who doesn’t like to lose. Even though I have reached my limits, but I still try to push myself through to be acknowledged by people of what I do. I don’t like to live in people’s shadow. I’m very particular with my studies due to the burden of the need to perform. This has being part of my character for a long time. A lot of psychological burdens stacked on me and the life continues….