During a few days of break, I had been thinking deeply over a few issues.
I realized that
- I don’t have much friends as I thought
- I’m not so capable in any areas as I thought
- I’m not so good in handling my emotions as I thought
Point no. 1
When I checked on the contacts directory in my handphone to SMS, I don’t have many friends to do so. You may say I have a long list of contacts but there are not many people I can SMS with. All are usually friends by name. Then, when I go hang out, I usually go out with the same group of friends. Therefore, sometimes I don’t understand why people tend to tell me that I have a lot of friends while the truth is I don’t. They said that they always see me going out with different friends all the time but if they are observant enough, the friends that I go out with are the same back to back. There is a question in mind now. Should I keep staying very close to my current circle of friends now or keep making new friends and close to them as well?
Point no.2
I’m not good in my studies. My results keep dropping semester by semester where I’m starting to lose faith in myself of graduating with first class honor. I failed badly as a leader. As a leader, I’m unable to bring my department to the next level. Now I just left 4 months for my term and we’re lagging behind. Adding to that, I always been overlooked or overshadowed by all the executive board members. Sometimes, I really wonder whether there is any difference between me being a vice president or being a member. All my words fell into the deaf ears. Again, I’m starting to live in people’s shadows. I tried so many ways in whatever ways I can study in books but nothing succeeded. Some people considered creativity as my uniqueness or strength. I already started to think I’m not a creative person. In whatever ideas I had and done, all are based on my three senses – see, listen and feel; and all the experience I had throughout 22 years of my life. Actually, there is nothing so special about my ideas but ordinary. There is nothing much I can do for my studies but I can do something to put my skills into practice in somewhere else. Like a friend of mine said, if the organization don’t appreciate you, join others.
Point no.3
I’m really poor in controlling my emotions. I consider myself a very much emotionally-stabled person compared to my old self where I’m a very hot-tempered person. However, I still unable to have a completely good control of my emotion because when a person really irritates me, I will blow my top or I will leave the scene to avoid confrontation.
What a life!
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