Love Me Not

Hello! It has being a while since I updated my blog. Sorry for that. I guess my blog is not so popular among all of you also. So, am I forgiven for the crime, my dear friends? Haha. Ever since I started my second semester, I found myself enveloped with so many tasks that I ever expected. I don’t even realized that it can be that serious and have massive impacts to my current life. In other words, I would say myself digging my own grave. I’m quite uncertain about myself and my abilities whether I could really juggle between my studies and all the workloads I had now. And I have so many doubts about what am I doing now. A great number of responsibilities were stacking on my back.

Can I bear with all these?
Can I really do this?
Can I make it through like nobody’s business?
Can I make it right?

So frustrating I could say. I had been not revising my studies since the second semester begun. Truthfully speaking, I have no idea what I had been studying throughout the days. I went for lecture and tutorial classes with an empty brain. Of course I’m afraid what is happening now. I must be lying if I said I’m not afraid. To make it even worse, after the classes, I’m getting more and more confused with my studies. My senior told me that for this semester, I must concentrate on my studies and try not to get involve in many activities because this semester duration is too short and the subjects are extremely tough, requiring most of our time to study and understand. If not, my grades will drop drastically. I admit that all the subjects in this semester are totally difficult. Looks like I always find trouble for my life which makes me grumbling and whining all over my blog.

Anyway, there is some good news in my life too. Now, I would like to share with all of you. Recently, I just got myself into the Vice President of Communication post for AIESEC in my university. I could say that I’m the less experienced one in the Executive Board. It has been a fairytale run for me as I never expected it at all. The whole process took almost a month from writing manifestos to the selection process. It’s so taxing and eating off most of my brain cells. This is because before I could answer all those questions, I need to reflect on myself and my capabilities deeply. Conversely, after I get this post, I doubted myself whether I had done the right thing or not. Getting me in the executive board is not the right decision as for the post; it’s really time-consuming because you’re not just need to take care of the organization but the members as well. I’m totally not feeling good sitting in this post as it feels like there is always something bugging me. I started to rethink my decision ever since.

Lately, I just completed my responsibility for my accounting society Job Career Fair event as the Logistic and Security assistant head department. The event was very successful as the seniors were very capable in organizing events. So much respect I had for them. Now I had another event coming up which is the graduation a.k.a prom night for the most of the final year students for both accounting and management course. Again, I’m part of this organizing committee as the head department of marketing. The event is just another two weeks from now.

Last but not least, I’m having my midterm examination started last week and will end in mid March. I just completed two subject examinations and left another five more to go. The first two examinations I think I did very badly which will cause me more problems to sustain my results in the final examination. In addition, I have four assignments to pass up during the examination week and a bunch of home works. I must be lying if I said my studies weren’t affected by so many responsibilities to uphold during the examination week. I don’t blame anyone but myself because I’m the one who taking the first move. It’s too late to regret. I just can hope that it’ll just go through as smoothly as possible. I’m such a lousy juggler! I wonder how people manage their time. I already tried my very best in managing my time.

Let me describe my mood and emotions for past few weeks. I just can feel two types of it-moody and tired. I’m no longer happy or easy-going anymore. I’m left with these emotions. I can’t find any sources that can put a smile on my face. But there is a person can just make me smile by looking at that person. Due to lack of time, I can’t meet and talk to the person that frequent. I’m fully not happy in what I’m going through and what I’m doing now. I’m really tired and I don’t want to put those fake smiles on my face anymore. I’m involved in many activities because I thought I present some of my abilities which I myself don’t know what I have to the things I’m doing and at the same time, learn from it. However, time and events prove me wrong as what my abilities are is so typical and everyone has it. I don’t have the X factor to differentiate myself from the others. So typical as I am.

P/s: Sorry about the bihun goreng. I know it taste bad.