Stage Two

I’m totally down in the dumps. Yesterday night, I just got my last semester results. I won’t say that I didn’t expect my results will be like this. But it still turned out to be one of the probabilities that I counted. Why all my predictions, intuitions, senses and calculations always come true? When I have a bad feeling over something yet to happen, it really happened in no time. A bad one! I extremely dislike this premonition thing. I admitted it’s extremely hard to stay in accounting course. This course is totally about intense competition. I really hate this kind of feelings to the bottom of my heart. Anyone can volunteer themselves for me to strangle? My current results not even matched with the elite group’s results. Not even near them. I really don’t like to fall behind from the rest but I think I really need to confess that I’m not as good as them. I guess I need to sit at a corner starting to reflect on my abilities and limitations. I won’t blame anything for these results. People who are packed with so many activities still manage to strike excellent results. I won’t take it as an excuse. I’m not sure whether I’ll bounce back this setback and have a better game next semester (Well, I still need to continue my course even if I don’t bounce back from all this continuous setbacks). For me, it’s really hard to swallow. People always said “It’s okay if you already do your best”. To me, it’s nonsensical. Trying your best yet still can’t perform really distressing. Next semester is coming up next Monday. I have to get back to my life and start working. Before that, I need to divert my attentions from this nightmare and get myself going. I won’t use the way of keeping myself busy to avoid thinking nonsense. If I used that way, eventually I’m committing suicide because I already have a lot of things lining up to do. Seriously, I’m facing an uphill task in my next semester juggling my time between club activities, responsibilities, friendship and studies. My studies will be a lot tougher. Responsibilities will be greater if I have opportunities to hold higher position. Should I go all out, pushing myself to the level that I never discovered before? Will it turned out to be a good ending for me or backfired? I really in deep thoughts………